How do you cope as a BS when you can’t eat, sleep, or think straight?

One email question I receive frequently from the betrayed spouse is: how do I cope during the early stages of discovery when my mind refuses to settle down? Here is an excerpt from a longer article that I wrote a few years ago. The full article is located at www.aftertheaffair.net/article01.htm

And now – how do you cope when you can’t eat, sleep, or think straight? Here are some tips that might help to make your life a little easier right now:

Force yourself to eat regularly and in a healthy manner. Treat yourself just like you were your own child – you wouldn’t let your kid skip breakfast, have beer for lunch, and a bag of chips for dinner, would you? Don’t let yourself do it either – take your vitamins – and eat even if you aren’t hungry. You will have more energy to deal with this crisis if your body is not exhausted from lack of nutrients.

Do not abuse substances or medication. Do not choose this time to start drinking a little more than usual – do not double up on your prescription medication dosages – and do not smoke more than you usually do. In the middle of a crisis, it is not uncommon for a pack-a-day smoker to indulge in two or three packs a day – or – for a light drinker to have a couple of extra glasses of wine at one time. Don’t do it! If you catch yourself doing it, refer to tip number one and treat yourself as you would your own child. The same goes with coffee – because all of these substances will impair your body’s ability to rest properly.

Get plenty of sleep. If you’re having a hard time sleeping because of reoccurring bad dreams or trouble getting to sleep because of reoccurring negative thoughts – give yourself permission to take a break from your worries and temporarily forget them. You do this by keeping a journal at your bedside and writing down everything that is troubling you – especially things that you don’t want to forget. Because you will have written these thoughts down, your subconscious will give you permission to forget them temporarily – because a hard copy is available. This really works – so do not dismiss this strategy! You can also trick your subconscious by only allowing yourself specific worry times. For example, make an appointment for 6pm to worry for an hour. During that hour – brainstorm everything you have to worry about and write it all down in a worry journal. If you come up with a new worry before 6pm or after 7pm – quickly jot your worry down in the journal and promise yourself that you will evaluate it during your next worry appointment. I know this sounds silly – but try it, because it really works to free your mind so that you can both rest and concentrate on other things.

Clarify your priorities. Free your mind and your schedule by clarifying exactly what is a priority to you – and doing only priority projects. When you do this – realize that each and every chore that faces you during the day shouldn’t be a priority. For example: the car doesn’t have to be washed for it to get you to work tomorrow, the kitchen will not be condemned if its floor isn’t mopped, your teeth will not fall out just because you cancel one dentist appointment, and your friend really will forgive you if you stay home and nap instead of going out to the movies with her, etc. Decide exactly what is important – and do only that which is important.

Do the least amount of work possible to meet your priorities. This step is almost as important as clarifying your priorities! For example, if your kids need to be fed dinner and it’s a priority – then you can make them sandwiches or order a pizza instead of spending an hour cooking and washing dishes. If your kids are begging for attention and this is a priority – curl up on the couch and watch their favorite movie with them instead of walking to the park. This same concept applies to employment as well as home situations. For example, if your boss asks you to write a report – the report needs only to be accurate and concise – it doesn’t have to be good enough to win a writing contest, etc. If you have the option of not working overtime – go home, instead. There will be time to play super hero when you feel better – and right now, you need to take care of yourself.

Ask for Help! It is likely that you have several people in your life right now who could ease your burdens considerably – and telling them that you feel overwhelmed is often enough to get them to volunteer assistance. This doesn’t mean you have to tell them about the crisis you’re dealing with, you can just say, “I’m worried about something that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, but it would sure help me if….” Then ask for specific favors: get another mom to pick the kids up from school for you, ask another family to baby-sit for you overnight, ask your coworker to cover your shift, get the kid next door to cut your grass, etc. You can always return favors when your life settles down – right now, you need to concentrate on getting some rest, coping, and grounding yourself emotionally.

See a counselor. Even if your spouse refuses to go to counseling with you – go alone! Talking to a counselor will help you to weed out destructive thinking and self-blame, especially in the beginning.

Give yourself permission to not make any important decisions. Guess what? You don’t have to decide whether or not to continue the marriage right now. You probably don’t have to move right now. You probably don’t have to make any decisions right now – so give yourself some time to grieve first and then make your decisions after you’ve regained some emotional balance. If you’re worried about financial issues – get a temporary order forbidding disposal of any marital assets along with a support order as mentioned above. Be firm with your lawyer – tell him or her that this is just for your peace of mind and that you do not plan to make any decisions soon.

Set boundaries with friends and family. Just because your sister wants to know everything that is happening in your marriage – and just because she has strong opinions about what you should and shouldn’t do – it doesn’t mean that you have to listen to her. It is okay for you to say, “I know you want to help and I am thinking about these things on my own, but I don’t really want to talk about it, so please respect my wishes.” If she insists, then tell her, “I know you want to help – but do you know what would be most helpful right now? I need someone to watch the baby for a few hours. Are you up for that?” Change the script to fit your individual circumstance but remember that well-intentioned people who insist on giving you unwanted advice usually do want to help in some way – so assign them alternate chores to free your time and mind.

Give yourself permission to make your own decisions. Do not feel obligated or pressured to act on anyone else’s ideas and opinions. If you want to forgive – forgive. If you want to work on your marriage – do it. If you want to end your marriage – then make sure that it is your decision and not a decision that is pressed onto you by an outside party. Everyone and their brother will come out of the woodwork to give you advice right now so be true to yourself – because in the end, this is your life and not theirs. I’m going to make an exception here, though – if your friend is reminding you of spiritual issues that you have held dear in the past, pay special attention. Sometimes we have a tendency to blame God for the behavior of other people when we’re hurt. Remember the footprints in the sand – sometimes we can only see God’s faithfulness when we’re looking backwards.

Clear your calendar for feel-good activities. Be sure to pencil in some “normal” time with your kids, your friends, and your family members. Such times should be free of tension and affair or relationship discussion – give yourself permission to take a break from your worries. Take your kids to the zoo, see a movie, go out to coffee, etc. and get back in touch with your world outside of affair discovery. This might seem easier said than done at first, but allow yourself time to concentrate on what is good and right in your life – there is something in your life to be thankful for. Relish those things with regularity.

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Katie is the author of “Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair,” available at www.aftertheaffair.net She began this blog to publically address some of the questions and issues she receives via email.

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