Retaliatory Affairs

I received the following email regarding a retaliatory affair:

My affair happened 3 yrs ago on a business retreat. I knew & communicated with the man for a year leading up to the affair. We live miles apart in two seperate states. After the one incident I never spoke to him again. When I returned home my husband suspected something. I denied it then & for the next 3 yrs. Fastforward 3 yrs to today. I confessed about a month ago during an argument that we were having about my husbands possible affair. A little over 3 months ago I found out that my husband had a “friend” that I’ve never met or spoke to. I asked him to dissolve the “friendship”. He said that he had, but a month later I found a cell phone that he was using to speak to her. He never apologized or said anything other than she’s just my friend. Meanwhile, she’s saying that she loves him, I’ve caught him at her house @2am, & he’s not staying at our home with me & our 2daughters. He claims never to have had sex with her so he doesn’t see it as wrong.

In a section of the book you talked about [retaliatory] affairs; however, I feel that his affair is in conjunction with & not a result of what I did. I feel like the unfaithful spouse as well as the betrayed. Believe me, I’m completely wrong in my actions & jepordized the family that I so longed for. I’ve admitted my mistakes, but my husband insists on moving into his own place. If this is what he needs to feel comfortable & safe I’m in total agreement. I’m confused on whether my acceptance of this decision is doing my part to rebuild my marriage or enable his unproductive behavior. Because of the situation I Feel as if he should be taking the same steps as I am to regain my trust & forgiveness! Is that selfish of me? I’m hindering the progress by feeling this way? The steps in the book make perfect sense, but it’s really hard to do those things when you feel betrayed as well.

Here is my response:

Your email is very heavy on the word “feel.” You “feel” that his affair is not in response to yours, you “feel” that he should be working on the marriage to the same degree that you are now, etc. Your husband probably has feelings about what has occured here, too – and he was not allowed to fully work through those feelings when you were dishonest with him three years ago. Now you are expecting him to do something different than what you did, but you have given him plenty of justification for not doing any better. Your husband may have believed that your own affair was discovered three years ago, regardless of the denials you made, and therefor he may feel fully justified in his own conduct now. If he wants to leave, you really cannot do anything to stop him. You can ask him not to leave – that is all you can do. If he does leave, you can still work on your marriage by showing him through your actions that you are committed to healing your marriage for the long-term. Whether he will reciprocate is up to him. You feel betrayed but he does as well. He guessed (correctly) regarding your affair, and then you lied to him about it for three years. He has to digest this, regardless of what else he has been involved in.

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Katie is the author of “Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair,” available at www.aftertheaffair.net She began this blog to publically address some of the questions and issues she receives via email.

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